"You cannot reach me now, no matter how you try."

Just tossing out some more words into the void that is the internet. Mostly because I know almost no one reads this, but the thought that someone might does lend it a sense of purpose.

Purpose of course being a relevant term, something with purpose to one may not have purpose to another. That is though a whole other realm from what I am thinking about right now whilst I sit here alone. That might be the trouble on it's own. Alone. With not but myself for company and to reinforce all the bad feelings. Feelings that have been with me for many a year. I'm sure some of you can relate to having to mask just how much this world has hurt you. I'm also sure that some of you know that your mask can slip, and in the end it is just that, a mask. A frail shield we hold up to protect ourselves. It is not a proper shield, it can not deflect the suffering and the pain. Oh no my friends. No it can't, all it can do is hide that pain from the rest of the world. It can't fix it or make things any better.

I have lived behind my mask for many many years. The horrors that I've faced while behind this mask have worn it, chipped at it, and at last cracked it. My mask has slipped and broken, no matter how I try and put it back to my eyes and hide behind it again. Without it to protect me from this bleak and dismal world we have created for ourselves, I do not know just how to cope and continue on thinking that things must be better. I now see that they don't get better. They only get worse. I have been pushed so deep back into my mind to protect myself that I have no space left to retreat into. No where to run to and no mask to cover myself. Bare eyes having to look this life full in the face and I quail from the thought of pushing forth into it further with nothing to look forward to. 8am Sunday July 5th 2009, I Kally Bels Beorn Zakath have at last come to see and accept that this exsistance is not but pain.

What will I do next? Well that is a very good question. Do I try and force myself along through the pain that is our world? Alone to fight with the scars and demons of the past? Should one keep trying to deal with the pain that is the world? Or.....does one quit? Surrender at last the pointless battle of making good our short time on this world? Quit this journey and take up the next? That my dear dear friends, is a question that I have asked myself many many times. The answer? I truly do not know. They say that any life is good life. 'They' obviously do not lead the lives of pain that we do, that you do, that I do. Is it worth it? Is there a Purpose? I no longer know. What will I do? Indeed what will I do.....well, I am not wordsmith nor a poet. So my eulogy will not be a pretty one, nor a special one. My eulogy, shall simply be the last thoughts of yet another defeated victim of the world we have created for ourselves. Not to say that this is to be my eulogy, though in time it may have to pass for it. I have always been to spiteful to give up easily. I haven't given up yet because I am not the type to admit defeat. I just felt that I needed to lay these words down as an explanation of how I have come to feel as I do.

"I never had the nerve to make the final cut"